Hmph. I find that I sit and stare at the “Subject” line on these posts until I’ve found some sort of title that pleases whatever part of me is pleased by titles. Noticing that, I moved to botch myself by skipping the field until later, and was experiencing physical reactions to this unthinkable action. So. I threw in a random set of words and feel much better.
And, oddly, I’ve now justified my random title, which is pleasing that title-appreciating part of me. I entertain the hell out of me.
So. So. Monday night was the night for finding landmarks, and I did.
Bridgette & I: I brought Bridgette and Ma together for dinner, introduced them, and played with them a bit. They got on well enough and seemed comfortable with one another, which was pleasing. I broached my plans to leave Corvallis in favor of someplace cheaper to live with better job market and the possibility of a garden and house instead of bachellor apartment. There were no evil reverberations. Discussions took place concerning the disposition of Othello, and how my moving and my living with Bridgette my effect those. The changes to that situation were all favorable, and Bridgette is aware of the depth of the possible changes in her life due to the addition of a teenage boy. Ma seemed satisfied, and I found that I wasn’t overly concerned with that; I knew what I was doing, and that was my main criteria for satisfaction…which satisfied Ma even more. So. Good.
Graduation: Ma went, but is cast out by Troll and Zelda. She determined to sit apart from the rest, in the upper reaches of the bleachers, out of sight. I felt a need to not only sit where Troll would see me, but near Zelda. I seemed to feel some need to finish with Zelda something that Zelda and I, however imperfectly or adversarily, have worked on together for so long. There’s something there about respect of endurance and effort, or something. I didn’t analyze it, just knew that I felt the need and acted on it. This put me in the midst of the Clan, a difficult position on the face of it, and one that would be even worse for Bridgette. She was concerned that I would need moral support and such while desparately wishing to be anywhere else but there. I convinced her that I was beyond reach of the Clan or Zelda, and she spent the graduation with Ma. I sat with the Clan, who hated me and were passively aggressive to me and just roundly did their best to be hurtful and cold. Zelda, oddly, was appropriately behaved, acknowledging our connection through the daughter while completely skipping all of our other issues. The Clan was as nothing to me, a bunch of strangers that I recognized but didn’t associate with. I wasn’t unpleasant, I wasn’t pleasant. I just — didn’t connect at all. Graduations are terribly boring, and this was no different, but that was endurable and afterwards there was a Bridgette waiting outside and a pleasant walk across campus at OSU, and like that. And my daughter is now a legal adult and graduated. Bridgette asked, “Did you actually see the diploma?” I answered, “That isn’t my business. She’s a legal adult, now; if she still needs to finish things, that will be her problem,” and smiled beautifically.
Bridgette & Ma: They spent the two hours of graduation chatting. Deeply. Apparently they each found time to give their autobiographies, and then shoved all that aside for the more interesting conversation, which was hashing me up and comparing notes, sharing choice bits that the other hadn’t been aware of, fleshing out stories they each knew but had different slants or details on. I am pleased to be virtuous and pure in thought, word, and deed, for otherwise I would certainly be in for a world of difficulty, as both ladies concerned are meat-eaters, sharp in tooth and claw, and not shy about laying me open if they feel it necessary — or entertaining. Especially if they find it entertaining. I find my self taken by a nameless dread, and grin when I consider it. Clearly, masochism is part of my make up.
Zelda probed for my plans for the near future, sought commitments, and I effortlessly rebuffed her. When she continued to probe, I removed from the conversation. I felt untouched by what I would once have considered a conflict; it was merely a conversation I didn’t care to be part of.
The Clan have become unpleasant, ugly strangers with sketchy hygiene and fashion sense. They do not concern me, and I don’t mind that they have emotions concerning me.
Troll & I are being kind to one another, if still a bit distant. Troll has been making overtures to people she once alienated, and may become, some day, a nice person. Or not, and that will be fine, as well. I am content that she is doing as she sees fit, regardless of my views on her choices, and am open to her being closer to me and am acting to further that.
Othello has said, associating with me, “This is why I like being around [Daddy]: we have fun playing with [words & ideas & people] and think of things we don’t when we’re apart, and he makes the little evil man in the back of my head dance.” Bridgette is willing to see a possibly evil teenage sociopathic genius enter her life and household, and so am I. The seduction of the boy to the dark side begins anew. Bridgette asked if I wasn’t more appropriately designated as the light side, being the good guy and all, but I look much better in black, and just love James Earl Jones’ voice. Dark Side it is.
Zelda. Right now, her opinions are not important to me, and her attempts at control now slide off of me, but it does not do to underestimate her particular abilities at control and dysfunction. She cheated me out of a weekend visitation and Father’s Day, and may yet show originality in ways I haven’t thought to counter. The difference is that now, I can counter without the anger and participation. Dealing with Zelda is now a matter of being gently, firmly insistant with an ill-behaved and destructive child that one is not free to discipline.
Bridgette and I have found that we relate to one another well enough to consider moving to a place where we can plant a garden, which seems mildly committed.
My job…y’know, my job is a dead end. I am unhappily bored there, and eagerly leave to do anything else. The money is inadequate, the future is nonexistant, there is no appeal there. I have known this, but have been dealing with other things in my life, good and bad, and have been slow to rewrite resumes and apply for jobs, to include the offered one I posted of yesterday. Everything else in my life has been cleaned up to a large degree in the past few weeks, though, culminating in this last week and graduation, where I corrected relationships that I wanted to correct and halted ones I wanted cut off and was harshly vocal with Zelda. My plate was clean.
So yesterday I was laid off, effective Friday. I cannot be reasonably placed at HP for a few months, which implies either a change of occupation or change of city I’m working in. If I were feeling at all mystically inclined, I would note that the important things in my life, the relationships with my kids and the surrounding relationships, are cleaned up, now it must be time to renew work on other things; life is forcing my hand to do just that. Finding a job that challenges me and pays me better. Writing. Restarting my education. Finding, in short, something to do with 23.8% of my life besides be bored and collect a small paycheck.
Well, all right. I finished my resume (one of about five directed resumes) and sent it off to the Colonel, and we’ll see what happens. I find that I am calmly certain that things are going to be well.
Wow. Optimism? What the hell has happened to me?