Two days off of writing in the morning; other early-morning activities interfered, and even zealot fervor was insufficient to get me to the keyboard later in the day. I have had to exercise extreme deep-breathing to not have hysterics. And, I learned something important:
It is not enough to work on this diligently. I have to trust me to finish it, and I have to not betray that trust in myself.
It’s a very strange concept for me. I trust me to do sorts of things; solve problems I have no clue how to solve, learn new things more quickly than everyone around me…trusting me to complete something that is important soley to me (that is a vast overstatement. But. I am the one who will be devastated if I give up on this.) is, ah, new.
I find that, while I trust my abilities just dandy, I don’t trust my actions or motives. I don’t, apparently, trust me any further than I could spit a traitorous backstabbing rat, if such a rat came my way, ended up in my mouth, and I determined (as I cannot imagine not determining) to spit this hypothetical rodent out.
I suppose that I have watched me permit circumstances to determine my actions too many years to trust me to not permit it any longer.
Well. High time I stopped that, then. [Checks pulse. Finds that it is present.] There is still time to change this fundamental thing about myself and become someone different and…more palatable to myself.
I find that I’m smiling as I write this. Apparently, I’m glad.