The nature of my occupation has been steadily changing. Most recently, it has become more challenging, broader in scope, simultaneously more defined and possessed of greater degrees of freedom — and far more demanding of my time, attention, and energy. This is, in general, good; being bored in the workplace is not a pleasant thing.

The nature of upkeep on the house and grounds has become more demanding of time, attention, and energy.

I have returned to the gym, at least twice weekly (thrice weekly, so far).

Now I just need time to write, time to read, time to unwind, time to spend in groups and singly with my family, time to WRITE.

Normally, any one of the things mentioned saps my resources and all other considerations come to a shuddering halt. This time…this time I seem to have risen to the occasion and am expanding my capabilities. On top of the general recovery from the flood, the house has become clean (I didn’t do this alone, it should be noted), projects that have lain fallow have quickened and begun anew, and staging for next projects is taking place. I am not short of interaction with my family.

I am still writing.

What. The hell.

My experience with personal growth is that it is made up of gradual changes. This one seems to be a step function. I’m looking, and I think it dates back to changing my job this last time. I am no longer spending eleven hours of my day pointlessly, doing things any piece of software or a trained Cebidae might accomplish. I am no longer sitting idle. I no longer feel I am wasting a third of my life in exchange for money to support the rest of it. I may not be doing what I want to do, but I am doing something.

So…maybe this isn’t a step-change in personal growth. Maybe this is removing an environmental variable that was integral to low level life style depression, and, without the depression, I am naturally rising to the levels that the energy freed up permits and requires.

That said, I miss having time for myriad journal entries and email exchanges.

5 thoughts on “Capacity”

    1. Well said. That has a lovely rhythm to it, a sort of visual frisson that appeals, and is entirely devoid of informative content. Got another two words that might explicate that pair?

    2. I’m wincing, realizing that I have just thrown down a challenge. I was really hoping for information, rather than obfuscatory virtuosity.

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