I have decided, completely at whim, to sell my body. In pieces. Excepting the naughty bits, for which I have plans.
What part would you care to bid on, and what are your plans for it? Will you mount my pancreas in a dish of potpourri and set it on the dining table? My left hand on the bathroom door to hold your robe? Be creative, the price may come down.
Edit: And, y’know, the usual, post it, auction off your own parts, blah, blah.
I want to make your left eye into a peephole for my front door.
Facing inward or out?
facing outward so that it’s looking at people.
Wouldn’t that make it a peepinghole?
Hmm, I might want the right eye, depending on what color it is.
Generally blue, although from time to time they go gray. Rarely bloodshot.
In that case, no bid. No offense. I’ll take your stomach and make haggis with it.
Fair enough. Full or empty?
Hmm, well, it would save me time if you had oatmeal the morning before you delivered it…
Full.
I’m fond of the occasional bowl of stewed rolled oats. No extra charge.
Fantastic. So how much?
No, no, sorry…I’m accepting offers, not offering prices. This ain’t no bargain-basement body, here, this is prime real estate on the hoof.
I’ll give you a bright shiny nickel.
o.O
Oooooh….
So, do we have a deal?
Mmmmmaybe. I have to discuss it with the spousal unit; she is fond of the skin over my stomach, and I’d need special dispensation to scar it.
But a shiny nickle….
DAMMIT! Why didn’t I offer you a nickel?!
Ah well, I hear the value of rubles is plummeting.
1 Russian rubles = 0.0359906 U.S. dollars
Hard to depreciate much more. I mean to say, less than $15 is sort of insulting.
I’m not insulting you, sweet cheeks. I am just so very poor! *cries*
Take pity on my poor soul and accept my offer.
Hmmmm. I’ll consider it. No promises.
Um. Hmmn.
I know, I want your pituitary and endocrine glands from your brain and neck. Mmmm.
I’m not certain that I want my bits & pieces used to manufacture drugs….
Give me your liver. I wish to sell it on the black market along with a couple of babies I have lying around. Together they shall fetch a mighty fine sum!
And, I want your tongue and your big toe on your right foot. What I shall use those for, well, that is Top Secret. 😉
Everyone can always use an extra liver 🙂
What about babies? Could you use some of those? 😀
I know a couple who are considering raising one…. Is it in good condition? Still functioning?
It is in excellent condition, though it does have a few leaks. Functions at top speed after consuming mass quantities of sugar (Ritalin sold separately).
Though the little bugger is missing one of it’s big toes. 😉
No good; mint condition or nothing, I’m afraid.
Then let me at your big toe already! A little super glue, some staples……You’ll never even notice!
Price…I haven’t heard an offer, yet.
Four hundred Rubles. And I’ll also through in a (slightly used) liver for 50 more.
Nah, I dont like children.
A good story:
“A Modest Proposal” by Jonathan Swift.
I don’t like children either, that is why I am trying to sell them. They aren’t my own. I, uh…uhm…. they… followed me home one day. Yea! That’s it!
They do make wonderful hand-maids and carrier pigeons. Wish to reconsider? 😀
No gifts. I specified that this would be a transaction.
As for the tongue & toe…you’re trying to create some sort of hoof-n-mouth disease joke, aren’t you?
I will gladly pay you for your liver. I will just raise the price a bit for the black market. SUCKAS!! ALL OF THEM!! Mmmwahahahahaha!
*regains composure*
The T&T…..As I said….TOP SECRET 😀
It’s some sort of horrid sex toy experiment. It’ll all end in tears, I just know it….
Tears of pleasure, perhaps?
I suppose that depends on how long the toenail is.
What about the tongue? The toe is needed elsewhere.
Actually, I may need to make a counter offer for that tongue–the value of silver is definitely bullish.
My offer is ‘three hours of uninterrupted time spent outside the space-time continuum for writing and nothing else’.
…
Four.
Three and throw in a fresh ink cartridge for the printer.
Three and a fresh cartridge for the One True Pen.
Hon? You know we threw the One True Pen into the cracks of Mount Doom at the end of the Third Age.
WAIT!! I see that offer and counter…
FIFTEEN hours and I’ll throw in five dust bunnies, four egg laying hens, and TWELVE CLEAN prostitutes!
If you don’t use the prostitutes, then they can….clean your house, do your laundry….and other household chores!
Deal?
I like the sounds of the 15…but there’s a long-standing relationship with Coyote, and we can rely on him to accept this as a rental arrangement. The spousal unit informs me that she has issues with my tongue going away.
*crying and trying to think of a better offer……*
I THINK I HAVE IT!!!!
:-p on you! heehee
:-p ?
Are you trying to bribe me into not bidding with the offer of sexual favors?
Hrmmm. That just might work.
Hey, I thought it was worth a shot! I’m shameless. And I really want the tongue.
All right, all right, if you’re that desperate, I’ll…
Oh wait. You mean *his* tongue.
Ahem.
Hmmmm….I accept many tongues.
I… can think of no witty nor a clever reply.
i’ll give you $25 apiece for your ears.
Hm. Cash is always a negotiable instrument. I could grow my hair out to cover the holes….
Actually, a guitar was Cash’s preferred instrument.
But I don’t think you want a guitar.
I want the BRAINS.
I’m going to put them in a special jar and set it on the shelf. Then when I need help with a problem, I can tip the jar around and, like a magic 8 ball, find my solution in the specially designed window.
I offer 8 words of wisdom, but I require delivery before payment.
That’s pretty cheap, considering that they’ve never been used. But for you, a special price could be arranged.
As with Coyote, how would you feel about a rental arrangement? I sort of use my brains as ballast to keep my head from floating off, but I’ll cheerfully stand behind a specially designed window and give you answers.