Seekrits

Inspired by airiseverywhere, but pointed at several of you:

I’ve told you a secret…or several.

Tell me how you reacted to my secrets. Why?

All comments will be screened to protect my secrets and any you all might divulge.

16 thoughts on “Seekrits”

  1. First off, how I reacted to your secret.—Oh boy, that was indeed a hell of a secret. 🙂 And for some reason I felt that maybe you feel guilty or perhaps “ashamed” of what you commented because you stated that you would not post about any of that in your journal. Maybe I am wrong, but that is how I “reacted”.

    If that is the case, I say don’t be ashamed or guilty about it. Seems that you are plenty aggressive in life that it does some good to be submissive on occasion.

    The whole “submission, slavery, immobility, erections-on-command, public masturbation, ass play, mini-gasms from massaging Shannon, mini-gasms from being caressed, spontaneous orgasms on command, cum eating….“–well, to that I say Woohoo! Sounds like you’ve been having a hell of a time. Seems that perhaps this hypnosis thing is allowing you to “let down your guard”, so to speak, and get down with yo’ bad self. *wink*

    Yes, you deserve the pleasure that comes from expressing your submissive side, and your aggressive side, and every other side in between, dearest. 😀

    1. Do you know, you have just become my utter favorite and should be allowed to take all the prizes for being a wonderful person.

      …perceptive, too. I’ll have to think about this and figure out which bits are making me ashamed/embarassed. My rule of thumb is: If you feel like you must hide what you are, you will come to loath yourself.

      So, thank you twice, luv. I love it when you ask for secrets; I may have to join brutal_honesty.

      1. *beaming*

        Well, brutal_honesty could use some good, juicy posts. Some of it is quite, eh, boring.

        By the by, I am currently working on a secret for you. 😉 Still typing it up.

  2. Warning….it’s a novel. :p

    Alrighty then. Now it’s time for me to divulge a little info. 😉

    Well, obviously it’s no secret that I have feelings for a certain . And it is no secret to him because I have told him some time ago that I really like him and care about him and that I want to get to know him better. Aye, but I’m unsure if he knows how much I like him. (Ok, maybe he does. Errr…the whole unsure thing rears its ugly head.)

    How much do I really like him? *Sigh* I think that perhaps that I am falling in love with him. And no, I am not going to tell him this. Not until I actually meet him and find out if I still feel the same. (And hopefully this will be soon. *fingers crossed* )

    What I am also unsure of is exactly how he feels about me. I would be stupid and blind if I didn’t realize that he likes me as well. But it makes me a little crazy sometimes not knowing how much he likes me.

    Some time ago he became “involved” with someone. Actually, he told me that they’ve been friends somewhat for awhile, with major flirting, but nothing more. Over a month ago, a mutual friend suggested that they “go home together” becuase neither one of them had gotten laid in some time. So they did.

    I’ve become “LJ friends” with her, and I know much of what goes on with them from Jaime, , telling me and from reading her journal. I also know that she is quite head-over-heels about him and is looking for a relationship with him.

    He, from what I can tell, is unsure. She has brought up the “exclusive” word, and he isn’t looking for that. Yes yes, he is very much poly.

    Now, them being involved doesn’t really bother me. Jaime and I have discussed polamory several times (and we’re both interested in “open relationships”) and I ask how things are going with them and such. But what does bother me about her is that I’m starting to, well, not like her. And I’m starting to get jealous, as silly as that sounds. Just things about her irk me. Things she says, things she does. She seems very clingy and needie. Now don’t get me wrong, she seems like a very nice person; but recently I find myself wishing that if he was involved with anyone, that it was with anyone but her.

    And I definitely can’t bring myself to tell him any of that, because it is not my place to tell him who he can and can not be involved with. And I would feel like a bitch if I told him that I just don’t care for her anymore. All I can do is ask him if he’s had the whole “non-exclusive”, “poly” talk with her. (Which I know won’t go well, because she has mentioned to me that she doesn’t do well with “open relationships”). I’ve asked him on a few occasions if he’s “had the talk” with her yet. And I don’t think he has or will any time soon. This makes me think that he’s stalling because perhaps he is lonely and she showers him with attention. And he is a male, after all, and has needs. Haha.

    Ah boy. Well, I don’t know what else to say about any of that. Secrets and rants. Haha.

    Continued…..

  3. A Novel, Part 2…..

    Also, perhaps you could offer a little insight into the other comment for me. And into this as well….(Hopefully this makes sense, because i feel like I am rambling). Through talking to Jaime on MSN, it has been discussed about my coming to visit him. Several times. Nothing set in stone because I am unsure of when I can make it there. Actually, the whole “visit” thing has been brought up for several months now.

    I know he wants me to come up there. He asks me several times “When are you coming to visit?” and “Are you really going to come”? And I also know that that question comes up quite a bit when we get quite flirty and sexual in our chatting. It also comes up quite a bit when we talk late at night, especially after he’s been drinking, and I can sense that he’s “lonely”.

    A number of other things come up while he’s having a drink or two while talking to me. He’s brought up things that we would do while I visit, such as meet his mother (*oh my*). He’s brought up that he thinks about how things *might* be when I visit. He’s also brought up me moving there (as have I, though sometimes it’s only jokingly on both parts), and about me getting Canadian citizenship one way or another. (He mentioned that that is one good thing about marriage, the citizenship. Now, I was a little perplexed as to why he would even say that.)

    Ok, to continue rambling, this past Saturday morning, I got an IM from him about 5 AM. Seeing as I was up, I IMed back. We chatted for a couple of hours. He had just gotten home from being out drinking with friends and he was talking about what kind of effect one has on others, especially people that one doesn’t know well or at all. I’m not going to get into all that was talked about, because some of it is a little hard to explain. haha. But I asked him what I effect I had on him. After taking some time to answer, he stated that I make him smile, make him think about things that maybe others don’t, and get him randy sometimes. ha. Well, I understand the first and third one. He does the same to me. He also said that the second one was his favorite.

    When I asked him to elaborate and to tell me what kind of things that I make him think about, he changed the subject.

    I’ve noticed that he sometimes does that. For example, another chat, after he had been drinking, sexual things had been brought up. He sighed and asked why I’m not closer. I laughed and asked if he was lonely. He said yes, then said he had to go to bed. During the conversation from above, I asked about how things were going with the other girl. He said well, but he was sensing that she’s pushing for more “together time” and he wouldn’t mind, but he wants to distance her from his 2 year old daughter, because if things don’t work out, he doesn’t want the little one to get too attached. (He’s mentioned on several occasions about “what if things don’t work out.) I told him that I know that she’s looking at all of this as a “potential relationship”. I could tell that he wasn’t all too happy about that. He suggested that people should come with “checklists” so that others can readily tell what they want. I asked what was on his checklist, and he said “don’t make him cry”. I asked who was making him cry. He said himself. Then he stated that he was off to bed.

    What I don’t understand here is what he meant by that I “make him think things that maybe others don’t” (obviously that can be taken as a good thing), and why sometimes he changes the subject or eludes me or goes off to bed after certain things are said.

    Please, dearest, some male insight would be greatly appreciated.

    Ok, I’ve rambled enough. I hope I made any sense at all. If you’d be so kind, if you have any comments, you can reply to my screened post, because I think I’d be greatly embarrassed if anyone else read all this. ha.

    1. Re: A Novel, Part 2…..

      Short version:

      He likes you.

      For the rest, you have to wait until I’ve a break in the workflow.

      Hugs, darlin’, and you didn’t ramble at all.

    2. Re: A Novel, Part 2…..

      I haven’t forgotten you, just haven’t stopped moving since yesterday. Soonly–

      –and, I’m glad to hear there was a pleasant booty call–

      Scott, jealous that you had eggrolls.

    3. First: About Him

      So. First off, I am all-knowing, and (as Shannon could tell you) I tell all, as well.

      Secondly, I don’t know about any of Jaime’s specific behaviors. But, together, we can guess a bit.

      he said “don’t make him cry”. I asked who was making him cry. He said himself.

      I asked who was making him cry. He said himself.

      Generally speaking, boys cry when their rules conflict with one another, or when they get jilted — or believe they would be. SOOOO:

      1. rules conflict – I can’t advise you what to do without knowing what’s churning in his head. Until he communicates, you shouldn’t worry about it.
      2. jilted – Well, we can hope, can’t we?
      3. believes he might be – make certain that he knows that you aren’t about to become a “missed chance”. Actually, make sure in your own mind that, if he takes on an exclusive relationship with Miss Priss, the skanky bitch-ho from the north (I’m a friend, and will hate her for you), that you will want to stay his friend and then tell him so.

      I have a story about that, but will split it into another comment.

      I “make him think things that maybe others don’t”

      At a guess, you don’t behave or talk like other girls (you don’t, BTW), and it makes him question his basic assumptions. If you behave differently from others, and he likes you, that would imply (to most people) that what he wants is someone who is different…and if that’s what he’s thinking, he needs to be acting on it instead of joining (ahem) with Miss Priss, the SBH from the N. Boys hate having to take action; it is the first step in change, which is scary, and boys are chickens.

      he changed the subject.
      sometimes he changes the subject or eludes me or goes off to bed
      I am also unsure of is exactly how he feels

      Okay, y’know, you could get more pushy with this boy. Evasion gives the initial impression of depth and mystery, and adds to the excitement and panty-moisture content, but after a while it’s just confusing and frustrating…in the not-moist-panties way.

      Feel free to point this out to him and keep asking him specific questions until he breaks.

    4. Second: About You

      Synopsis of what I’m about to say: Figure out what you want, grit your teeth, ignore your terror, and get the hell out of town and into his arms.

      April, luv, you’ve been dizzy over this boy for the better part of the past year. You know him as well as you can at this distance. You not going up there is the equivalent of his being evasive.

      “But, Scott, I don’t know when I can go.”

      Sure, darlin’, but if you were already lovers and planning which of you was going to carry the first child to term, you’d be skipping Starbucks and he’d be skipping Manic Panic hair dye, and you’d find gas money, bus tickets, whatever.

      “Work won’t let me — “

      I used to believe that. It isn’t true. You go in, explain that you have a need for time off, but would like to remain working, and ask for help resolving the issue.

      “But — “

      Stop that. If your job or whatever is so shaky that you can’t turn your back on it without losing it, you should. Jobs are easier to find than Jaime.

    5. Third: About your relationship

      You’ve both ‘joked’ about you moving up there, long term connections, introducing you, ferchrissakes, to his mother. We don’t “joke” about things we aren’t thinking about. You and I both joke extensively about love, sex, and self-worth. Guess what you and I both spend a lot of time thinking about?

      That’s right. The stock market. [rolls eyes]

      Let me hand you a very strong hint, dearest: poly people have close, permanent relationships, too.

      Let’s look at the data:

      He’s sticking close to you, staying open to your presence in his life.
      DEDUCTION: He wants you in his life

      You keep nosing around even though he’s evasive and fucking MP, the SBH from the N.
      DEDUCTION: You want a life with him in it.

      Neither of you is doing anything to fix that
      DEDUCTION: You two aren’t as smart as me.

      Sweetie, when I snagged Shannon we both jumped into the abyss rather than take the chance that we’d drift apart. We both dropped everything and moved to Southern Oregon, than which there is no place more forsaken, but where ex-wife wasn’t and we could afford to live.

      What are you waiting for, either one of you?

      I’ll tell you something else. No matter how poly you think you are, we were all brought up in North America, where the default condition is one mate to a customer. You’re taking time to go north may have him seriously considering compromising his needs and entering into exclusivity with MP…you know the rest of her name by now….

      So, here is what I think you should do:

      1. Have a direct discussion with him, along these lines:
      a. I am going to be really direct; please be very direct in return
      b. I don’t think that I just want to bounce on you like an epileptic on a bucking horse; I think I may want to spend long, long times with you.
      c. This scares the hell out of me, but you going away is scarier
      d. I’m coming north so we can explore that, and maybe find out what we want
      2. Go north
      3. Figure stuff out…after that initial bouncing, of course.

      And, darlin’, this is scary. It’s okay to be scared. It isn’t okay to live by avoiding scary stuff. You are smart enough to understand all of this, and tough enough to do something about it, or I wouldn’t be spending this time.

    6. Fourth: About me

      I learned about poly, and that I was, from Emily. My ex couldn’t comprehend it, and could only assume that I was going to fuck Emily. In fact, I just needed to love her; my feelings are what they are, but I can control my dick. she couldn’t cope, and Emily suffered for years because I dithered, trying to save my marriage.

      I couldn’t. But by then Emily had moved to California, and then Alaska. We were still close.

      But “men have needs”, and one of mine is that I need someone to take care of, someone that I love. I was okay alone until I found Shannon. Shannon likes being taken care of, while Emily is very self-sufficient … and in Alaska, too far for me to move while I still had children to take care of.

      So, ruthlessly, I married Shannon. Shannon is poly-friendly, and we had a clear understanding about me, poly, and Emily. No problem. Emily was to be my best man at the wedding, but scheduling prevented.

      Last year, Emily spent around $3,000 for me to go to Writer’s Weekend, plus whatever she spent for herself to go. She paid for Michael & Shannon to come along, because it would make me happier to have them there.

      I am swelling with tears right now. I may never be loved as purely as Emily loves me. Part of me wishes that I could be with her…but I need someone, full-time, to take care of, and there aren’t hours in the day for me to have two spouses and do what I want to do for them.

      I don’t remember why I needed to tell you this. It seems to apply somewhere in there.

      Go north. Don’t miss this. Bring him south. Whatever it takes. You can work yourself out of debt (again), but you can’t pull him out of an exclusive relationship…and, if he’s doubting your ability to love him while he’s with MP, you can’t pull him out of his stupidity, either, if you wait too long.

      GO GET YOUR BOY
      SO YOU CAN FIND OUT IF YOU WANT TO KEEP HIM

      Just my $.02.

      Be very, very certain that, if you were closer, I’d drive over and hug you good and long. Then I’d kick you in the general direction of Canada.

      1. Re: Fourth: About me

        I have no idea how to respond to all of these. I am utterly speechless.

        But I’m also greatly appreciative. You have absolutely no idea how much all of the thought you put into to this means to me. 😀

        You have my utmost admiration and love, dearest.

        1. Re: Fourth: About me

          Oh, thankgawd. I’ve been worrying that I was the one who made you cry rivers today; I was looking at this again to make sure I’d said what I intended to, and the tone I intended to use.

          Here’s cause for optimism:

          You have, in your power, the way to move things along. There is no greater opportunity in your life than that.

          And, sweetie, I admire what you are doing. You consistently face scary things, and can talk about them. There ain’t nuthin’ harder. And, you should know, just because I think I know what’s the best idea doesn’t mean that it works for you. You do what you need, not what some pompous ass (that would be me) tells you to.

          1. Re: Fourth: About me

            No no no, sweetheart, you weren’t the one making me cry.

            Bah. I think that I feel another spell coming on. Just everything above, I…..just don’t know about that all anymore.

            Everything sucks. People suck.

            Why the hell do I have to care about people that I don’t even “know”?

            🙁

          2. Re: Fourth: About me

            Because, in spite of everything you’ve gone through, you have a sweet and loving nature.

            That is also why it hurts so often.

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