Seekrits!

Tell me a secret. Tell me something no one knows. Tell me something you’ve always wanted to tell me, even if you have to do it anonymously.

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6 thoughts on “Seekrits!”

  1. I just realized that I never posted a secret here for you. I kept forgetting. But I shall do it now. 🙂

    Not sure how much of a secret this is, more like just saying stuff. But I’m sure you’re wondering how my trip up to meet and everyone else went. Well, nothing happened (well, with him anyways ;)). If you know what I mean. 😉 There are reasons why… like his being involved with Dayna (grrrr). And, well, I think we both were rather shy and nervous and a little awkward around each other. I have no idea why, but we were.

    Sure, I bet things might have happened, but I’ve come to realize (by looking back on my own actions, and by people telling me this) that sometimes I act like I’m not interested in someone or will reject them, when that is not true. And I know that I might have acted like that around Jaime. At the beginning, there were times when he was rather flirty with me, and he tried to grab ahold of me (which I didn’t notice). But after that, Dayna was always around and she tried to make me into her best friend and would tell me how much she loves him, yadda yadda yadda. Jaime didn’t think anything of this, but I’m female and I know how females work. Try to make the ‘other woman’ your best friend to make sure that nothing happens with your man and her.

    BLAH!

    Anyway, things got a little rocky. I sent him e-mails while he was at work, telling him how I felt ignored and like a ‘third wheel’ when she was around (and I sensed that he was more ‘affectionate’ to her and paid her more attention so she wouldn’t get jealous and to prove to her that nothing was going on… and she also made sure that she always had his attention, so I wouldn’t get any…). I was a little hurt and made a statement that I would rather be around other people (even those I hadn’t met yet) instead of him because of how I felt I was being treated. I didn’t mean it. I know that I can be impulsive and say things without meaning them. Obviously he was rather hurt by that and was even quieter around me. I apologized and tried to tell him that I didn’t mean it after I saw how it had hurt him so (even though he tried to deny that it did). So he later said that he wasn’t sure about me coming back up for another visit (which I know he was just saying that to hurt me back… yes, we’re childish).

    So fast forward… we’ve e-mailed back and forth and I guess things are worked out, kinda. I’m planning on going back up in early May and he says that it would be alright to stay with him.

    Other than that, I did have a good time. Sprained my ankle the first day I was there, later found out I fractured it, and that put a damper on me wanting to go out and do lots of things. I meet some nice people, and I do really want to go back again.

    Jaime and I were no where near as goofy, silly, and such in person as we are on-line. Again, I know for a fact that we were both very shy and nervous around each other. And I know that both of us could have tried harder to spend more ‘quality’ time together, though we were around each other everyday. Ok, perhaps it’s more like *I* should have tried harder. He did do little things for me and act flirty… he bought me train tickets and a deck of playing cards because he didn’t have any regular ones, I don’t like cauliflower so when Dayna made a salad with it, he picked it all out and threw it away. We watched his favorite cartoons and movies because I liked them as well, even though D didn’t like them and complained the whole time. Every time we went out, or people came over to his house, or while watching movies, I always caught him staring at me, watching me. He did that when I played with his daughter as well. Was always watching me and her and laughing or smiling. But I know a big part of nothing happening between us and such was more my fault with the whole ‘I act like I’m not interested’, especially around the person that I AM interested in.

    BLAH BLAH BLAH!! Ok, I think that’s everything important. Do with this what you will. Haha. Hopefully we (*I*) can make up for things on my next visit. 😀

  2. More ranting….

    Aye yi yi. The more I think about what I said above, the more I think about what Jaime said in his e-mails, the more I realize that a lot of things that happened or didn’t happen were my fault.

    I’ve always really liked a good male friend of mine. And I’d be blind not to see that he liked me as well. But nothing ever happened, even though everyone assumed that something had. A mutual friend of ours told me that my friend, Kris, had said that I always made him nervous, that’s why he never tried anything with me. I never understood why he would say that, how that could be. But I understand now.

    I understand that that is what happened here with Jaime. Of course I know that he likes me, he’s told me so in the past. (He’s even, jokingly I assume, told me that he loved me after comments I made about not understanding why females nag/are clingy/etc.. and some other times.) And looking back on things that he did and later what he said in his e-mails makes me realize that I do indeed tend to make men nervous and feel like I’m not interested, when in fact I am very much interested.

    Why the heck do I do this? I don’t intend to.

    In one of his e-mails, Jaime said that he felt that I was taken aback and pulled away when he tried to hug me, touch me. I wasn’t aware that I did this, and I told him so, and that I didn’t intend to do it.

    Looking back on some of the things that he did, I can see now that he tried to ‘make contact’ more than what I thought he did. And was more nervous than I had assumed at the time. The first night I was there, I got in late because I missed my second flight. When I arrived at his house, he stood there and stared at me smiling, until running over to hug me. Later, after Colin and Heather (two of our ‘mutual’ friends) left, we stood in the kitchen chit chatting. Well, I did most of the chatting, he stood there with a silly grin on his face. Then he stood in the doorway of his bathroom and watched me brush my teeth.

    He did that so many times. When we went out, he constantly watched me as I introduced myself to people and talked to his friends. He’d make sure that he sat next to me when we were having dinner with other people. When D wasn’t around and he and I would either watch movies with his little one, or alone, he’d sit as close as he could, barely touching me with his foot or leg. I made cookies one eve, and he kept walking over so he could stand right next to me and watch (which I’m sure that was most exciting, watching me stir cookie dough :p). Halloween weekend we went out to the bar they all frequent. We took the train, and he paid for everyone’s ticket, and he made sure to hand me mine first, even though D was infront of me. Later that night, I went around kissing everyone, and I caught him watching me while I did this. The last night we went to the bar, I did it again, and again, he watched me (and seemed to have a little jealous look on his face when I kissed one of his friends that ended up joining us back at Jaime’s place). When I asked if J wanted kissed on the cheeks that night, he asked me if *I* wanted to kiss him, but before I could answer, D came up behind him, and the look on my face was the same as on his (the “oh GREAT! here she is” look, haha).

    He also seemed to avoid me a bit and it seemed that he was slightly jealous the next morning after the bar, because his friend had stayed the night with me there and stayed most of that Sunday.

    Now I think that you can agree with me here that yes, indeed, I made him nervous. But why the heck do I do that? This is driving me nuts, wishing that I knew then what I know now and that I could have acted differently or just ‘jumped’ him. But I didn’t, because I wasn’t sure then that he wanted me to, or if it would be appropriate because of Dayna.

    AYE! Because even though our visit didn’t go as well as it should have, I can’t stop thinking about him. I still like him as much as I always have. I’m not ‘kissing his ass’ and I know full well what his faults are and I can see right through any of his bullshit. So I know that I’m not hopelessly in love with the boy. hahaha

    What the heck am I to do, oh wise Papa Mnarra?

    Ok, I think I’m done ranting now. :p

    1. Re: More ranting….

      Oh, darlin’, I hate to do this to you, but I am swamped in work and can’t answer right now. Keep a grip on your sanity, luv, and I’ll try for tonight, or tomorrow morning at the latest.

      Be hugged, m’love.

      1. Re: More ranting….

        No worries, hun. I understand. 🙂

        I just needed to get that all out, and any thoughts you might have, when you have the time, would be so greatly appreciated.

        Now get thee to work. *Whip*

        😀

          1. Re: More ranting….

            😀 *waggles eyebrows* I make good on my teasing. :p

            Jeepers, just when I think that I’m being a moron and hope is lost, I get some answers. Some people are more pliable after a drink or two and some bonding over D being a psychotic crazy person. haha

            Yes, he admitted that he was shy with me (his words… shy as in “OMG, you’re actually REAL”…) and then the issues that we had talked about. My behaviours, his behaviours. So it seems it’s all good. He agreed with me that we both did things to screw the visit up and that we didn’t have as much fun as we should have. He said that he’d go back if he could and do things differently. So would I. But we can’t. And we both agreed that the next visit will be better because we’ve gotten all the shy awkwardness out of the way. (and the way things sound, perhaps the D ‘problem’ will be dealt with and gotten rid of as well)

            Aye yi yi! So now what does that leave for you to say? :p

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