Disquietus

No lengthy analysis. And no single cause. But.

I am enjoying the opportunities afforded me by a host of others who want things of my behavior. They either want me to do things — “because you want to, not because I tell you to” — or to refrain from doing things — because that’s how I ought to act (if I had their values, not my own).

Then the punishment free and frank exchanges of ideas begins, because I am an utter failure at being what most people want me to be, or even understand me to be.

I’m not entirely certain what, if anything, is appropriate to do in these cases. On the one hand, it seems self-annihilating to feel one set of things and act in an entirely different way based on the expectations or demands of others. On the other, that’s what keeps me from being arrested in civilized society. I imagine there’s some sort of continuum rather than polar states, but I confess that the discrimination to see the gradients eludes me.

I will note here that my expectations of others is that they will behave as they see they ought, and that they will act in their own interests where they can — whether that benefits me or not. My expectations are generally met, and that strikes me as appropriate; I don’t believe that others would benefit from living their lives to suit me (however much they would benefit from my superior judgement).

I’m also not entirely certain how far is appropriate to go to avoid the punis– the exchange of ideas. Obviously I don’t need to welcome them, but do I need to permit the venting? Do I run and hide? Strike back? That last doesn’t suit me; I don’t, in general, see much point to angry confrontation.

Hrmph.

Crossposted from Epinephrine & Sophistry

8 thoughts on “Disquietus”

  1. Have you not yet figured out that you’re supposed to transform yourself based on other’s expectations? Chameleon-like. You should be someone different, depending on to whom you are speaking.

    Or. Perhaps it’s time to figure out you don’t need to do that. (;

  2. “On the one hand, it seems self-annihilating to feel one set of things and act in an entirely different way based on the expectations or demands of others. On the other, that’s what keeps me from being arrested in civilized society.”

    Yes.

    You reminded me that my brother’s wife moved out because, as I understand it, he wouldn’t feel the way she wants him to feel. Where is the emotadial anyway?

    Why do you associate with so many people (you did say “host”) who aren’t content with you? Now that I think about it though a better question would be why do they associate with you?

      1. I constantly ask myself this. Last week I had an epiphany — again, in Ed’s voice — answering (when I had asked the question), “Stupid, I guess.”

        Fair enough. I can’t fault the homonculi I carry about with me; there’s reasons you two are in my head — you make it a smarter place. So.

        I am considering divorce. I am considering whether there are other options. So far, I don’t find any that don’t involve my changing them … which is just what I’m bitching about they trying to do to me.

        So.

    2. In fact, I was thinking of you when I wrote that line. You helped.

      Why do I associate with the dissatisfied host? Perceived duty, mostly. I am coming to realize, though, that if it is acceptable to divorce someone who wanted me dead and a doppleganger raised in my stead (not to be all dramatic or anything), then it might well be acceptable to divorce myself from the rest of the host, as well.

      — and who, given the opportunity, wouldn’t associate with me? I mean to say, well, LOOK at me. Dashing, no?

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