I’m getting better at balancing.  Not good, but better than I’ve been.

The big deal always seems to be that I’m a self-concerned (to put it mildly) person with things that he’d like to do … who wishes to be a good person and was trained (by accident or design) to be willing to sacrifice his own convenience, comfort, or even happiness to forward that of others.  Worse, somewhere I picked up the misapprehension that to do so was a mark of Virtue, and to be sought after.

A moment’s thought reveals the issue with that concept, but for those who are challenged with a moment’s thought:  the more virtuous one becomes (by this definition), the less likely that there is any facet of one’s life that is fulfilling or pleasing.

This set up only works when everyone is that virtuous and sacrificing … and it won’t work terribly well even then, as the virtuous person is always loving others (by implication based on deed, or by definition of “love” as an action) and always treating himself as an expendable resource to facilitate the happiness of others.

Dreck.  Again, as I noted, obviously.  Well, not to me, but I’m sort of special-needs when it comes to this stuff.

In any case.  Getting better about the balancing act.  I no longer knee-jerk to “well, I was going to fulfill a life-long dream of mine, but I will ditch that and make you a cup of tea instead, since it will be more convenient for you if I do so.”  And that’s nice.

Not quite there.  Still sacrifice mindlessly.  Not entirely certain how to stop it.  The remaining sacrifices are sort of “soldier” sacrifices.  I’m the guy who sees the need first, so I wave everyone off and throw myself on the grenade or whatever.  It’s a lovely thing to do, if it saves lives, if there was no other means of doing so, if the lives saved outweigh the lives expended, if I was supposed to be in the area in the first place, instead of seeking out in areas outside my responsibility for an opportunity to see a grenade and throw myself thereupon.

Sort of like what comic book superheros do; wander around the city until they hear the scream of an Innocent In Distress, then swing down and Save The Day At Great Personal Risk.


In practical terms:  I am getting much closer to being able to regularly give myself time and resources for things I want, without having a meltdown.  That’s nice.