The week of Soulstice deserves a few words, so here they are.

On the first of March, I rejoined the National Guard at the rank of Sergeant, to massage my wallet into a semblance of life and to boost me back through school. I’m in a REMF (Rear Echelon MoFo) unit, shuffling papers, for which I am entirely unashamed; I’ve done my time as a front-line guy, and they chose not to have me up front getting shot. They’ve had their chance. I’m committed for a year, and then we’ll see.

On the second of March, my little brother was activated for his national guard unit, and sent off to Ft. Bliss to be reestablished in the Army and sent off…somewhere. This will be Eric’s third war; Somalia, Gulf, now Gulf II. Sounds like a bad movie: Gulf II — Egos in the Desert.

On the third of March, I spoke with Vicki, my counsellor, who asked me what homework I was assigning myself (we’ve hit that point in our relationship where I tell her what I’ll need to be dealing with, and how), and I determined that certain key issues needed resolving in a final fashion. And, that they may as well be done quickly.

On the fourth of March, I spent about three hours with Zelda, in which my ending things in final fashion veered sharply from divorce paperwork to applying for a loan with her cosigning. I still cannot explain how that happened. I was deeply puzzled and somewhat worried that, if she could flank me like that once, it could be done again and again. Perhaps we would /never/ end.

On the fifth I had a revelation: reason and courtesy were irrelevant between Zelda and I, either not recognized or not appreciated. All that is left is manipulation and points in a power-balance game. With that realization, came the realization that wasn’t really news, but that I was suddenly and clearly reconciled to, that being that, in the end, the only way to get done with this marriage would be to say, “I am done with this marriage.” I picked up the phone on the spot and set a time to file papers within half an hour. And we did.

I don’t remember much about the sixth or seventh. I have watched this marriage die for years, and have known it was well and truly dead for a while now…but some things you can mourn, and mourn again, and still not be truly into the serious mourning until the corpse is laid out before you. There’s only so much one can work through at the death-bed. Some things have to wait for the casket. Filed papers counted as a casket, and I was, ah, less functional than I would like to have been.

The 8th and 9th I was at drill with the National Guard.

It was a sort of intense nine days. I took decisive steps to change my life in drastic ways in at least two fashions, and did so with resolve and direct methods. Most un-Mnarra-like, but there you are.

This last week, I did little of consequence. I rested much. I went to yoga little, and socialized little. I was quiet. I noticed some things, though, which was an interesting way to pass the time:

*I’ve dropped to 24% body fat, nearly four inches from my waist.
*I am far more a creature of touch than I ever creditted, which probably accounts for my excessive awareness of other people’s personal space.
*Boys, in our society, are not permitted to touch in useful ways. Isolation is the hallmark of the American male. I don’t do well with that, but my alternatives are rather limited and unappealing. I am learning to deal with my touch-isolation, if with poor grace.
*In the aftermath of divorce, I don’t seem to mind if Zelda has negative feelings about ‘most anything. I am doing things she doesn’t care for, failing to do things she tries to push me to, and there is no discussion, just a pleasant, smiling, “No” from me.
*I really need to expand my wardrobe to include something apart from jeans and t-shirts.
*I haven’t had an interesting problem to solve for nearly two weeks, and it is leaving me not just with extra energy, but a little bored. I think I know how I’ve spent all my time for two decades.
*I had opportunity to have a rebound relationship. I recognized it as being an echo of Zelda, based on insecurity and codependance, and chose to not take part, in spite of the fact that the young lady is stunning. I am hoping that this means that I might be able to recognize unhealthy situations for myself. Good.

I am, very much, interested to see what sort of animal I am becoming. Frankly, I’ve no clue.

Wednesday, at 1:37 PM, Zelda and I finished filing the papers for our divorce. Her behavior has not changed much. Mine has. I don’t know why. I’m not sure about all the ways that it has, just that it has.

This wasn’t the end of our marriage. Most of that happened a while ago. Some of it, I suspect, is still gasping wet and rattling breaths, somewhere in some untidy corner, and will keep wheezing for a time yet.

And, I guess, there is some grieving that I hadn’t done yet. I’m doing it.

My phone is temporarily for need-only use; when I have a more useful phone number, I will send it ’round to folks. Probably next week, latest.