Again, filtered to be non-Othello

It won’t be clear right away, but here’s an Othello-Mnarra moment:
While fencing in the hallway of the house, Mnarra became pressed and determined to cheat. He called a halt, sat, removed his shoes, carried them in his off-hand, and resumed fencing. After a few moments, he tossed them in the direction of Othello’s face. “Catch!” Touch. Surly looks, in the extreme.

I told him, last night, about my conversation with Bob Boss, in these particulars:

Monies paid
Monies unpaid
Messages had been passed to Myself & Zelda
Zelda is not responding
Moving to TN won’t happen without payment

Othello was displeased that things had come to this pass without his knowledge. He explored Zelda’s knowledge of the situation with me, and I related what the PO told me; that Zelda had left a couple of “terse messages” but had not made contact, payment, or arrangements for either. Othello was vexed.

In the guise of helping him analyze the issues, I instead pointed issues that I left unresolved, generally by having Othello state the issues instead of me. I wanted him to think through what he thought the issues were with me there to slap him back from denial & avoidance.

• Othello may be spending a significant period of time in the System.

• The number of times Zelda has had info vital to Othello, and not shared it
• The number of times Zelda has not stepped up when he needed her to
• Zelda has the money to pay; she just doesn’t
• Her excuses are increasingly lame; “I don’t know where to send the check.” “I don’t know to whom to make the check.” “I don’t have time to take it down to the courthouse.” “I don’t have time to write a check for you to take to the courthouse.” “Bob Boss has not gotten back to me about my question.”
• Othello has done his part of the penance
• Othello did his part of the penance on his own & with help from myself and Wicked Stepmother
• I have more knowledge of his activities and his status in those activities than Zelda does, discuss them more with him than she does, and, in the case of his schooling, know more than Othello does. (He’s passing German with a C, something he didn’t yet know.)

The only item I proposed was: How are you going to take control of the things that are being ill-managed, or managed not in your favor, that are limiting your life? Then I helped him dismiss “nagging Mom to pay” as a viable option.

This morning, on the way to the bus station, we revisited the nagging option. We role-played it a bit, and demonstrated to our satisfaction that nagging from Othello would result in blaming from Zelda, with a washing of the hands closely following; once blame is assigned, her responsibilities end. I suggested a way to deal with that:

“Mom. I need (Specific Action).”
“Fault! (pointing at blamed figure)”
“That doesn’t matter. I need (SA).”
“I alway have to (whine).”
“Okay. But I still need (SA).”
“You don’t (unrelated action). Why should I (SA)?”
“If you don’t (SA), (bad things happen to Othello).”

He looked sour at that one. It stunk of manipulation via guilt. Quoth I: “Are you fighting this fight for the ritual value of the futile motions, or to Do Something? Well, then. Does your mother operate in Manipulation Via Guilt? Alright; would you go to a sword fight unarmed?”

He considered, and decided that, if he was actually trying to Do Something, that winning the round was more important than the actual Fighting. Quoth I: “Then you need to be prepared to throw sneakers.” Stunned look as he put it together and I heard things snick into place. “What, you thought that all those dirty attacks were just for entertainment? Everything relates to everything else, and you’ll rarely learn anything that doesn’t apply someplace completely separate.”

Yes, shocking, but I’m teaching my child to fight as dirty as necessary to win. No futile motions, no making the good play while those around you cut your feet away. Let him skip my twenty-year gallant gesture to the still-shaking corpse of chivalry.

Before we left topic for more pleasant conversation, we decided that Zelda hasn’t done a good job of being an adult. After I was gone, Cinderella had to be the grown-up, but now she’s gone as well. Either Othell needs to be the grown-up, or the household will do without. And doing without was hurting Othello.

He needed a book for the bus ride. I sent him home with three Spenser novels, including Early Autumn. I’ve been sort of saving that up for a time I thought he might be receptive to some of the philosophies therein. We’ll see.

This is in non-Othello mode.

Just to make certain the players are on the board:

Zelda has dumped Methhead, and is divorced.
Zelda is engaged to Sarge.
Zelda is moving to Tennessee in late April.
Her & Othello’s plan is to leave Othello alone in Corvallis until June.
I have stated he can move to TN, he can move here, he may not stay alone.

Okay.

Yesterday, Othello’s probation officer called. He states that Othello has made only $100 payment on $1700 restitution, and that the case will be assigned a court date in early April for review. I have a moral obligation to pay half of the boy’s restitution, but no legal obligation, and am waiting for civil discourse with Zelda to put forth monies. This isn’t mere spite; I feel that she was irresponsible in letting him wander unsupervised in the wee hours of the morning with known, convicted juvenile offendor’s.

Conversation with Bob Boss confirmed what I thought: until Othello’s probation is over, he may not leave the state. He may not live unsupervised. He may not be emancipated.

Which means that, again, the pot is going to heat up and the email and telephone calls are going to turn toxic. Othello’s uncertain future is more uncertain than before (he was still planning on staying alone in Corvallis, even after I told him I would simply drive up and retrieve him the day he was alone. Denial is a beautiful thing).

Other than finding out for certain what my legal obligations are, preparing financially to meet my moral obligations, and taking time off to attend court with Michael, I don’t see that I shoulb be taking any particular action. These problems are in someone else’s house, even though they have reprecussions in mine.

Bizarre, as always.

This, too, is in Non-Othello mode.

I have been asked, “Why are you suddenly willing to let Othello leave without a fight, without trying to persuade, without … doing what you would normally do?”

Well.

Othello wants to stay here — well, in Corvallis. In a more general sense, he wants to be close enough to his family & friends & sweetie to see them, if only occasionally. He can’t do those things in Tennessee. He knows that he has the option to decide to live here, pretty much by saying that’s what he wants to do.

Since what he wants is in Oregon, my assumption is that, if he chooses to go to Tennessee, he is going for one of two reasons: he isn’t ready to express effort on his own behalf, make his own choices, or he is chasing after the mother that he wants Zelda to be.

In the first case, he’ll get there when he’s ready. I don’t think this is the case, though.

In the second case, he needs to pound his head against the wall, his mother, until he can recognize that the attention, energy, understanding, tolerance — the love — that he wants from her is not something she can express in the way he wants her to. Until he bangs his head flat, flat, flat, he won’t be ready to deal with ANYTHING in his life; he’ll be fighting after his mother for years, instead. If he goes to Tennessee, I think this will be the reason.

I don’t want him 2500 miles away. I don’t think he should go. But, if he needs to punish himself until he is allowed to believe that his mother doesn’t act the way she should, I think that’s more important.

I watched my mother fight just that fight for 20 years before she could shrug her mother off, saying, “If I don’t matter to her, I cannot afford to let her matter to me.” I don’t want him to have to wait that long. Dealing with the ugly things inside your own head should always be the first thing attended to, otherwise the mess leaks out onto everything else in your life.

Get to poundin’, kid. I’ll have an ice-pack ready when you’re done.

Othello is bound South, where I will pick him up at the bus station Friday and we will put up a roof on the greenhouse. Along with poking one another with sticks & perhaps taking in a movie. As the poet has said, “Woot!”

I’m thinking that, perhaps, we should have a fencing-bout in the greenhouse, so that the lush greenery and sensual blooms can be raised on the drying stains of our spent blood, the vibrations of life resounding over the carnage of death wrought out with point and edge. I could plant some of the red, red, red poppies about the edge of the greenhouse, and tell generations yet unborn that two of the Mighty strove against one another, and wherever blood fell to the earth these flowers bloomed — the blood of heroes doing that sort of thing.*

Yes. I think that’s the thing to do.

*with respects to Roger Z for the idea.

Filed in the Non-Boy filter mode.

Quoth Othello, some months ago:

“then I said something withouit really thinking about it, but it’s really true. I said that I’m sort of afraid of this state. or rather, that I’m afraid that I can’t leave. not that I’m forced to stay here against my will, but that I don’t have the will to leave. I think that being stuck here for the rest of my life may be the scariest thing in the world.”

I spoke with him today, and he is aware of Zelda’s impending marriage. I asked him how he felt about how it would change his life, and he referenced the above. “You know that post I wrote about what I’m really afraid of?” I agreed I knew the post. “I think I get to find out about that, soon.”

[marked "friends who are not Othello"]

Cinderella called me last night; Zelda is getting married and moving to Tennessee with her new beau. I believe that the expected nuptial date is end of March or beginning of April.

Othello will be, Cinderella was told, given the option to move to Tennessee or Medford, and will be finishing out his school year living in the house he is in now. Alone for several months.

Ahem. No.

No court battle is needed for this one; if he is left alone, I’ll just drive up and get him. No matter how you slice it up, that would be abandonment or neglect; 16 year olds are not suitable for living alone.

However.

…

I find I am not getting to wrought up, here. Nothing is called for from me but to be available for the kids, and Zelda has never, ever made a plan that didn’t change by the end of the week. ‘Sides, I’m not certain she’s divorced yet. [shrugs] One crisis at a time.