Muddy That Water! Stir That Muck!

Zelda. Zelda has been oscillating wildly, which is her normal state. Now she believes I am evil incarnate, now she feels that I am better than a good foodstamp scam; it varies, and it is never of much account. Zelda and I have been drawing further apart, albeit slowly, for a long time.

Zelda will be having surgery for Female Problems in two weeks. Why do I see this as an opportunity to completely screw up my life? Is this Ego? Is this Paranoia? Or is this Clear Sight?

Well. [rub bridge of nose] Clearly slow movement, careful choosing of words, and remaining calmly centered is called for. Get through the surgery and the immediate convalescence, then return to my neutral corner as gracefully and quickly as possible.

I hope. Yikes.

In a slightly less self-centered way of looking at this, the surgery is a very good idea, and will nail some problems that have been there for years. Hopefully.

Life Needs a Straight Edge

I am puzzling. I am puzzling deeply, considering at length, I am carefully sifting thoughts and concerns, reactions and anticipations, and trying to find a course of action that is not damaging to me. Largely, I am failing, but there may be a course I may navigate through the relationship shoals.

I had intended to attend a party, and extended annual party, with Zelda. The party is entertaining in its own right, and I enjoy it, but, as an addition, I have opportunity to enjoy the company of several friends that I rarely see; some of these I see only at this party. I look forward to it for this reason. Unfortunately, Zelda is likely to engage in behaviors at this year’s party that I will find…difficult to endure, and unpleasant. I disrelish the notion of being forced by geography to witness her behaviors, which she feels are correct and proper. I doubt that I can simply walk away from these behaviors without effect. I suspect strongly…well, I don’t suspect. I believe that I will be brought to task by Zelda for all manner of imagined transgressions on my part, should I go.

The answer, it seems, is not to go. I will miss my friends, but it is, after all, only one party missed. The danger in this course of action is that I would seem to be empowering Zelda to determine my actions; if she behaves in certain ways, I will stay removed from certain occasions. This isn’t good, either.

I don’t have a ready answer. I am considering the possibility of not going to the party, but finding some time to join my friends outside of the party and socialize with them there. Or I could learn to become iron-hearted to a degree that the concerns of others is as nothing to me, and the storms and viscitudes visited on me by overwrought Zeldas would go unnoticed.

This might be asking more of myself than I can deliver. More thought is called for, clearly.

An Odd Fish, I

I’ve a friend of a million years or so. In many ways he is ubermensch, which, in many ways, makes him inhuman, or at the very least an odd fish; he is straightforward, forthright in word, thought, and deed, and so entirely autonomous as to be nearly entirely self-determining. Many of his patterns of behavior I use for ideals to shoot for, goals that I can aim at without ever expecting to actually achieve them.

Recently I have been taking issue with my tendancy to permit other people to determine my emotional state. This actually only occurs in the case of one former lover, but it has been an issue. My perception of what she expects from me is that I feel guilt for what she feels, and responsibility for her emotional state. There is some difficulty in determining whether she actually expects those things. Certainly, my perceptions are colored by my own expectations of what she is likely to be feeling, but there is some objective evidence that indicates that she may feel what I believe she is feeling, expecting what I believe she is expecting. To begin to deal with my permitting her to decide when and for what I feel responsible, I decided that I should only let me decide what my emotional state should be.

And then I did it. I’ve been doing it for two weeks, and it just gets easier, even under extremely stressful circumstances. Especially under extremely stressful circumstances.

I appear to have simply and suddenly achieved the part of my friend’s ideal behavior (value assigned by me) that permits self-determination. Recently the former lover and I had several talks, long things that would normally have left me feeling saddened, bereft, confused and panicked and enraged, guilt-ridden and curtailed by responsibilities I have assumed in conversation that I have no power to fulfill. Instead, I was saddened and bereft, reasonable and good and healthy emotions to feel when a relationship is losing some valuable facets. The former lover was feeling many things as well, and indicated that I should feel certain things, feel responsible for certain things, that I wasn’t feeling. I declined, gently and effortlessly.

I am, apparently, an odd fish now, too. Now I wonder, now that I can do what my friend does, if the ability to suddenly stop feeling self-destructive impulses, or the ability, at least, to stop acting on them, is an indicator of healthy self-determination or if it something that is described somewhere in psychological pathology.

Whichever, comfort, stability, and opportunity for happiness within the confines of my pathology seem to be a desireable end, so I’ll keep my dysfunction (if dysfunction it be) until something better comes along that will serve the same purpose.

I wish uber-Menschheit came with directions and exact definition.

Personal Space for Let

I have recently been invited to a Personal Event. This PE is something that only has impact on one person’s life (Zelda’s, if it matters “who” to you), and truly has no place in it for me — or anyone else, for all of that. I have nothing to contribute and nothing to gain and wonder, actually, why I am being offered an opportunity to be involved. It should really be a private thing done privately.

My suspicion is that, by taking part in the PE, I will be entering into a tacit agreement that I am involved in that part of Zelda’s life, which is obviously not true…although I can see that she has wished it to be true for a very long time. Subtext is a difficult thing to cite as a reason for not participating, though, particularly when the subtextual reading might be mistaken.

I think I will Speak Truth at Zelda, telling her that I am uncomfortable with taking part. I imagine that she will take this badly, but that would fall into the “other people’s problems” category of things. I am allowed to be uncomfortable, she is allowed to be unhappy, and, hopefully, I am allowed to continue my life not severely impacted by her unhappiness.

Which would mostly depend on me. Well, high time I started that, in any case.

One facet at a time

And here I am. I have deep security issues — not in the angst-y sense, but in the jackbooted-thugs-will-kick-in-my-door sense. It will be interesting to see whether I can write entries here without violating the myriad ill-advised agreements I have entered into over the years.

Probably I just shouldn’t try, but I find that talking is a nearly compulsive pasttime for me, and I’m tired of pretending that I can remain both silent and happy simultaneously. So.

Here I am.